‘Something I Couldn’t Smoke Anymore’

And ‘life’ itself keeps moving forward. For what it’s worth, you made time stand still for just a little while as much of my thoughts and memories fled from the real and into the possible. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t have high hopes, and an even higher heart.

It was still soaring with the idea that I could mean the same to you, if circumstances provided further depth into our spirits collision. In the meantime, I couldn’t dwell or I’d be somewhat of a fool. I didn’t want you to see me this way, anyway. More time continued to pass and I felt a little stronger. As the strength came back to me I learned, finally, to hold onto it and stop giving it so freely to you. You were plenty strong already, and I, was about to crack. Something I couldn’t smoke anymore.

No longer did it seem fit to foolishly weigh my options with the conclusion, “what did it matter now?”, when I had accumulated this debt upon which said things I should owe the will to live for. At any rate, it needed to be addressed and I was assuming the responsibility of taking yet another life break at just the right time. I had a knack for these things. Everything was changing again, and I too, soon would be different. And somehow, still, that would be okay, too. A part of me knew I needed to leave here, even if it were a momentary hiatus that would surely fill my heart to some level of near explosion, beauty and much needed inspiration. And what would be two more days to two more weeks in the grand scheme of things when most everyone I knew had already moved on with their lives, including you.

But was I content now to just simply be without a chemical dependency or a co-dependent mindset? I surely thought so now. As I thought the same about returning east.


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