Seashell

Nothing made sense without you, and still I ached to know why my mind would not match my heart. I was in a constant state of turmoil that caused more pain to my soul than even I believed necessary, as I felt it rip away the last parts of me I could remember that were any part light or loving. Everything began to spiral inward as I further lost hope for real freedom and in my delusion I was still wandering the rocky shore searching for a love that had been drowned some years ago. It never seemed to be that we would remain on the same page again, and I began to believe you and I now lived in entirely different worlds to which mine had no effect and yours had no cause. Together, it was obvious to me how bold and truly beautiful it could be to have shared an experience so deeply awakening as to transform the earth beneath your feet. I had my reasons, and you were already passionate to moving on without me. I couldn’t really bare to keep urging you to find your reasons to stay, and my heart, at the same time couldn’t be swayed. I knew the truth before it was spoken, though I always believed in you when you told me you would see me through or otherwise remember the depths of me I gently let you know. I can’t imagine, nor so much as pretend to have the heart left me to look for love elsewhere. I knew it couldn’t possibly belong to me. I felt this sincerely, although you could not yet see or understand why. Your words made my heart sink in the most consuming desperation as I asked for you to see me writhing beneath my skin, and yet you only see the pains that have troubled me for what feels like lifetimes. I didn’t want to say this, but “I met someone else at the mental hospital”, broke my fucking heart. It didn’t seem real that life could pull us apart with such wrath, hatred and force. It made me feel more alone than I had ever felt in my life to know that you were leaving and I may not have a chance to say goodbye. My words were useless to reach you because my spirit was so devastated and torn from every heartache I’d ever felt coming together as one unrelentless experience.  I just wanted you to come to terms with the pain you held within you, too. To heal from them together would have meant the world to me. It may have saved my life. It may even have transformed the realms in which we’ve traveled. If I could choose to heal anything in this lifetime it would be you. And I knew I could heal absolutely anything. Without a doubt. As your eyes were all I wanted to see, always an endless Sea within me, I loved you endlessly.

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