You told me to give it some time, and I couldn’t bare to wait any longer. Knowing we were timeless, it had to be precise. Carrying out the execution had to be in a perfected state of mind with an infinitely pure and open heart, untainted and soon to be unchained from this world I had become terribly confined to. Decidedly unattached. I didn’t prefer to speak much but I loved to write, even if it failed to reach as many souls as I would have liked. It had a repetitious pattern of always falling short and the order itself, as delivered from the gods, was inexplicably tall. The remnants of a bitter past held me tiresomely confused. I was inebriated and indifferent unto myself, let alone my savior. My reality continued to draw in and drown me as I thought of drowning myself several times leaning out on the rail outside of my apartment building. I think I was sick. I felt more than I could ever sense and the trauma on my heart unforgettable, however, it was passing. As were the moments I locked eyes with you and could see beyond the emotions you bared, through the experiences there were no words to relay, and into a deepening truth I was remarkably drawn to. And yet, uneasy and disturbed. I wanted to run to you, as the lesser of me ached to continuously detach.
They couldn’t see me. But I could see everything, and eventually their eyes opened. It seemed to be centuries later, with so many lives passed without the truth and recognition they deserved. It was painfully trying to so many of us and yet it remained a beautiful journey of awakening. The in between times of stagnancy and forgetfulness where I took many walks with you were still lined with flowers I’d picked for you. The ones you rarely noticed. But when you did it made it easier to accept the illusion within the eternal worlds forever surrounding me. Still I had some peace of mind in freeing myself from a current representation of reincarnated guilt, an immaculate shame I seemed to carry in my heart for all of the world. Although they were moving too fast to stop and appreciate the depth or meaning, or how it was to be used to recreate a crumbling earth. Now becoming increasingly arrogant in it’s thirst for a bitter truth in free verse expression.
They wanted to kill me and desecrate my being.
I wondered so deeply how their minds could work that way, until I took all of their baggage into me. Their hatred, their fears and past lives– I somehow remembered with ease. Little stood between me and a doorway that I kept locked, a portal within me that was galactically aligned to trigger and further initiate the final stages of transformation. It felt very real to me, and to them it was a joke. I have a hard time verbally expressing the sheer terror and pain I openly received into this vessel and so it became easier to disocciate from it entirely. And it was incredibly thought provoking to fully recognize the world around that granted access to such profound missions when we were all working together selflessly. I kept hidden in this flow and wanted to uncover it’s mystery at the right time for their to exist an intricate grid of light that was so delicately connected, however dispersed and in need of a power far greater than myself in order to truly heal. Our perception had become sickened and susceptible when left masked, we were so despised, and as the mirrors were cleansed so to were we able to see a clarity burning within that clenched jaws kept secret.
We needed healing, you and I. Us and them. However you want to word it. Who gives a shit? It didn’t matter much anymore, how it was expressed because it was already known. Openly it was reflected in my eyes, which you couldn’t see or seem to appreciate. Or maybe had stopped admiring within yourself. I urged you to take a second look, but you kept on moving faster. And you took for granted a Light within me that had courage. It had strength and beauty, loyalty and innate perfection– a Divinity by natural force eternally flowing. I only hoped for it to be seen again. Mostly by you, but anyone would have meant everything to me at the time. I knew how to make it shine. Even if no one was waiting for me after the explosion and isolation period. I didn’t wish to explain any further, but few had visions. Some of them were happening around me right now although many were blinded. As you ridiculed me for being. As you were, so was I.
I guess I thought of everything this time. My heart was fucking incinerated.
I wasn’t sure how to love again.