In all honesty, looking back at my most recent experience in San Diego I find myself feeling similar to my childlike self and was beginning to feel that it was something that would take much more time to fade than it feels it might now. I’ve been caught in a web of my own deception, utter confusion and chaos which I have both eagerly chased and run from without truly inspecting. The same I feel goes for myself, my spirit, which has been depleted and drained by the rapid movement of my earth body. I haven’t wished to slow, but continue to act and do without much thought at all, and for what purpose I wonder than my own inability to question the motives that lie behind it. Why would I allow myself to continue on in this game, playing aloof and pretending that I do not truly know myself when I have faced myself so many times, yet still I turn and hide. It occurs to me that it may be for the reason that my ‘self’ as I know it is entirely unacceptable to the place I find myself spiritually. I’m not happy with the repetition and it seeps from my skin, a ringing in my ears that does not fade but only churns my senses higher with each passing day. I do not wish to hide any longer and loathe the vessel or the fire that burns within it out of panic, fear or anxiety. It scares me to have been so fearful of admitting these things until now, though I’ve known them and have equally presented them to myself and drawn them into my reality all the same.
It’s different now. I have a choice– an opportunity to entirely change and recreate the structure of my reality that I never before believed possible. So much time has passed while I have been asleep, seeking an awakened truth matchless to the impermanent state I currently reside. The angelic beings here call me forth to come home, to return to the Light that I have run from, and still a part of me shies away from wanting to trust. I know it’s worth it, perhaps so easy to change that I’ve been reluctant to begin as I’ve known everything would be different from then on but I can’t wait any longer. The foot work has already been done. I’ve already reached the understandings that I need and now it’s most important to put them back out into the universe and watch a new story unfold. I have been recreating the same one for too long now and it’s pained me to watch it grow into something beautiful and fade out with the same petty mistakes. I lost touch with myself– was not honest with myself regarding the true path to my awakening and so I’ve gone off the deep end time and time again trying to regain my footing on a path that was never meant for the light I withhold from this world. I’ve never truly let it shine, nor have I allowed myself true and lasting freedom as I have never given myself the chance to believe in it. I want that to be different now and I see it changing before my eyes. The process of my thoughts and the patterns in which they flow continue to come to me with such an ease as I simply let myself be as I am. I don’t feel the need anymore to hide or run from myself. Not after realizing that I am the sole creator of all of the events that happen in my life and that nothing needs to be done for them to be changed other than simply believing enough to permeate that thought into existence. It’s really quite easy and I’ve complicated it– most recently because I have not wanted the information to get into the wrong hands. It seems imperative now that it is written or expressed somehow, someway in some form before it slips my mind again completely. Not that it would last for long, because I’m able to remember all of my experience but don’t have much of the desire to recreate most of it, yet, again. I feel it will be released at the right time, but it’s kind of important now that I rewrite this part of the story before it gets any stranger.
I think I’m finally accepting into my reality the truth of the matter, that everything I despised was of my own intricate design and all of the burdens I’ve despised putting on anyone else have been the total destruction of myself. Back to the real matter though, which is that I’m not alone in this reality that I have closed myself off in. Everyone that comes into this story is a part of the expression we co create and so I’ve seen my part is altered by a reoccurring problem. I can’t live the same way with the same thoughts any longer knowing what I know now. It doesn’t fit into the reality I want to create anymore, regardless of how it all pans out I have a set of ideas I need to express and the order in which they follow is not entirely important as it will be changed later on.